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10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck
1. Your dog rides in your
truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer
appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose
before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide
rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall
your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in
your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.
Actual Medical Chart Notes
Patient
has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it
disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only
a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
Computer Diagnosis
One
day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend
suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose
anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine
sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in
the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise
and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped
a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better
in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your
tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get
him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation
clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get
a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will
never get better."
Scooby Doo
There was
a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her
doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that,
before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked
for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs
and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'' She did this
faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting
bigger, she was very impressed.
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time
she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine.
So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie
doobie, give me bigger boobies''.
The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,''
she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''
The Golden Toilet
A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn't quite remember the address to the house. ''I'm sure this is the one," said the driver. ''Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.'' Replied one of the others, ''I'll go knock on the door, and check. If it's the wrong house, at least I'll get to a toilet!''
So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once....No answer. He rings it again.....Still no answer. So, he thinks, ''This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.'' So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he'd just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can't find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger's house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.
A
couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past
the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so
he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN
TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front
door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door.
''Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your
GOLDEN TOILET, they don't believe me!'' ''So YOU'RE the guy!'' The woman
replies, then yells to her husband in the house, ''HONEY!?!...HERES THE
GUY THAT SH*T IN YOUR TUBA!'''